The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
