the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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