i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
