I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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