The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
