you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
