my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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