thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
