one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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