So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
