I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
