I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
