3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
