Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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