i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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