YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
only if we run a train.
done.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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