I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
