I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
