not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Drunk is not a location!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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