Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
