do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
