ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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