dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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