What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
