I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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