Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
