His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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