Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
