The maid of honor just puked.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
