saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Randomize
