I met the friendliest cop last night
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
