Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
