You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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