Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i just had sex bonerless
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
