If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Are we still banned from the library?
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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