Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
