i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
