Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize