you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
