if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
