eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
