Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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