i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Randomize
