I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
