No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
