I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
