You can't special order awesome
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He shit in the fireplace
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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