I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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