its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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