I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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