I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
