hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
