Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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