when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
