It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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