Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize