it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I need to calm my uterus...
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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