so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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