Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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