I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
