1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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