Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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