dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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