Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
