if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
