I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
